After receiving my autism diagnosis in June 2023, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. At first, I was relieved and happy to finally have some answers. I wanted to figure out how I could get back on my feet and start moving forward again. Unfortunately, that feeling didn’t last very long. Before long, feelings of sadness and disappointment took over. Suddenly, I realized that I might never be able to get back to the life I had imagined for myself. All I could see was everything I would never be able to handle. I started to realize that the life I had envisioned for myself in this society might simply not be possible for me.

Grieving

And so, I found myself grieving the life I thought I was going to have. I know that probably sounds rather dramatic, and honestly, I thought so too. But it was a process I needed to go through. I even tried to deny my own needs. I thought I was making too much of things and that I should just push through a little longer. After all, that’s what I had always done. It was part of what is known as masking. But after receiving my diagnosis, I noticed that I simply couldn’t do it anymore. Every time I tried, I ended up facing another burnout or meltdown. I just didn’t have the energy anymore to put the mask back on. I could no longer deny that something had truly changed.

dealing with reactions

But then there was something else I had to deal with: the reactions of the people around me. As if that was something I needed on top of everything else. I started getting comments like, “I feel like you’re acting much more autistic now than you did before your diagnosis.”That doesn’t exactly make you feel better.You finally gather all the courage you have to be yourself and start setting boundaries, only to be met with comments like that. Those comments always hit me quite hard, especially because they came from friends or family.

Accepting 

Luckily, I also had people around me who I could talk to openly. My mom would always say, “To me, you will always just be my daughter.” And because my boyfriend is autistic and has ADHD himself, I was able to talk to him about it too.Little by little, they helped me learn to accept who I am. And slowly, I started to see the fun and beautiful parts of life again.I’ve made several changes in my life to prevent myself from constantly ending up in burnout or having meltdowns. For example, I changed jobs. I realized that working irregular hours was having a very negative effect on my energy levels.These days, I keep a close eye on when I need to rest and when I need some time to recover from sensory overload. But I’ve also learned that I don’t have to be ashamed of having more needs than neurotypical people.

I am allowed to take up space.

Just like you are.

Lots of love,

Marissa